Some Famous Humor Quotes in English





“She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” "That’s my girl.”

-Emma Chase





“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”

-Sam Levenson





“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

-Steven Wright





“You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.”

-Rick Riordan





“She seemed to be a nice person, too, instead of a homicidal bitch like his former wife. Otherwise, the world should fear. When Mencheres fell for a woman, he fell hard. If Kira asked for her own continent as a birthday present, Mencheres would probably have one conquered for her before she blew out her candles.”

-Jeaniene Frost





“Alas! Earwax!”

-J.K. Rowling





“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?""Yes.""You called her a liar?""Yes.""You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?""Yes.""Have a biscuit, Potter.”

-J.K. Rowling





“Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students."Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.”

-J.K. Rowling





“WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.).”

-Andy Weir





“To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.”

-Leonard Bernstein





“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”

-Colleen Hoover





“It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.”

-Lemony Snicket





“The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are...”

-J.K. Rowling





“Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.”

-T.S. Eliot





“You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!”

-Kresley Cole





“As we all know, blinking lights means science.”

-Joss Whedon





“Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.”

-George R.R. Martin





“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

-Woody Allen





“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”

-Zig Ziglar





“I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter."(Letter 16, 1657)”

-Blaise Pascal





“Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.”

-Ilona Andrews





“A mother, you son-of-a-bitch, is sacred!”

-Andrzej Sapkowski





“Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.”

-Michelle Hodkin





“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”

-Benjamin Franklin Wade





“In the long second before everyone absorbs what just happened, I see the angel rolling his eyes heavenward, like a teenager in the presence of overwhelming lameness. Some people just have no sense of gratitude.”

-Susan Ee





“My fore-parts, as you so ineloquently put it, have names.”I pointed to my right breast. “This is Danger.” Then my left. “And this is Will Robinson. I would appreciate it if you addressed them accordingly.” After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, “You named your breasts?”I turned my back to him with a shrug. “I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.”

-Darynda Jones





“Emergency dance party--go away.”

-Rainbow Rowell





“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”

-Suzanne Collins





“In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases”

-John Irving





“I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.”

-Scott Westerfeld





“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”

-Stephen Hawking





“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”

-Lemony Snicket





“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”

-Dr. Seuss





“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

-Groucho marx





“I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.”

-G.K. Chesterton





“The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.”

-Bauvard





“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

-Steven Wright





“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”

-Carl Sagan





“I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat.He lay still. “I give up,” he said and smiled. “Your move.”Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?”

-Ilona Andrews





“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ”

-Dave Barry





“If reassurances could dull pain, nobody would ever go to the trouble of pressing grapes.”

-Scott Lynch





“Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.”

-Terry Pratchett





“A tiger only needs three things to be comfortable. Lots of food, sleep, and…actually, no it’s just those two things.”

-Colleen Houck





“Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.”

-Jane Austen





“HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)”

-Terry Pratchett





“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen”

-Stephen King





“I came to the table, pulled up a chair, and sat. “Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out.” An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and dropped a dead rat on my lap. Awesome.”

-Ilona Andrews





“Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.”

-Joseph Campbell





“Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood...”

-Douglas Adams





“Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.”

-Terry Pratchett





“Don’t put off till tomorrow anyone you could be doing today.”

-Emma Chase





“Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.” “Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.”

-Diana Wynne Jones





“If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.”

-Betty White





“So what? All writers are lunatics!”

-Cornelia Funke





“I really should come with a warning label.”

-Tom Upton





“There will be no yelling at people who are bleeding themselves to unconsciousness.”

-Kristin Cashore





“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

-E.B. White





“Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it.”

-Terry Pratchett





“The only French word I know is oui, which means “yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-?u-?i and not w-?e-?e.”

-Stephanie Perkins





“I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!”

-Jasper Fforde





“That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.”

-J.K. Rowling





“You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breath, shine like the sun buzz like a bee, just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh you make me smile. -Uncle Kracker-”

-Uncle Kracker





“Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with is"Sure" said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour”

-Cassandra Clare





“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

-Dr. Seuss





“Sigh""Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?"Eye roll”

-Colleen Hoover





“If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.”

-Rick Riordan





“Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.”

-Suzanne Collins





“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

-Woody Allen





“Her name is Brienne," Jaime said. "Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?"Her broad homely face turned red. "Yes.""Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens.”

-George R.R. Martin





“I like ducks." Jem observed diplomatically. "Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park." He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side. "Remember when you tried to convince me to feed pultry pie the the mallards in the park to see if you couls breed a race of cannibal ducks?""They ate it too," Will reminisced. "Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck.”

-Cassandra Clare





“Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.”

-Garrison Keillor





“When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”

-Herman Wouk





“I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.”

-Rick Riordan





“It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.”

-Andrew Jackson





“We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.”

-Terry Pratchett





“Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.”

-H.L. Mencken





“It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.”

-Terry Pratchett





“When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.”

-Graham Chapman





“THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows.”

-Gena Showalter





“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

-George Carlin





“The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.”

-Neil Gaiman





“Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”Cinder paused and studied her again. “Who are you?”“I’m called Darla. I am Captain Thorne’s mistress.”Cinder blinked. “Excuse me?”“He asked me to stay and keep watch over the vehicle,” she said. “He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.”

-Marissa Meyer





“He gazed amusedly down the table at Tessa. “You’re the shape-changer, aren’t you?” he said. “Magnus Bane told me about you. No mark on you at all, they say.” Tessa swallowed and looked him straight in the eye. They were discordantly human eyes, ordinary in his extraordinary face. “No. No mark.” He grinned around his fork. “I do suppose they’ve looked everywhere?” “I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.”

-Cassandra Clare





“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

-Bill Watterson





“Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.”

-Kim Harrison





“Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds.”

-Richard Feynman





“Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred."Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?""Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?""I forge’ the details," Hagrid chortled.”

-J.K. Rowling





“Merlin’s beard.”

-J.K. Rowling





“He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently."That I did not mind." He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection.”

-Gena Showalter





“Take care of the sense and the sounds will take care of themselves.”

-Lewis Carroll





“My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.”

-Cary Grant





“Think, think, think.”

-A.A. Milne





“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”

-Winston S. Churchill





“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

-Dr. Seuss





“My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.”

-Dora J. Arod





“Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn’t she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin’ all over a stack of griddle cakes?”

-Colleen Houck





“Dev-"Come in peace or leave in pieces”

-Sherrilyn Kenyon





“I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.”

-J.K. Rowling





“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”

-Suzanne Collins





“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

-George Carlin





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